I understood 2 things from an extremely early age: I liked making individuals laugh, and I was predestined to check out area.
My imagine a moon walk were cruelly rushed when, at 10, I had an anxiety attack on a 40-minute flight to Inverness. I wasn’t 10, I was 26. Making individuals laugh was a lot more within reach– however sometimes, it seemed like the anxiety that would occasionally overwhelm me stood at chances with it.
I’ve discovered that anxiety remains in numerous methods like area food (which I required for Christmas in the late 90s, “to prepare me”)– it is undesirable, has no clear expiration date, and individuals like to specify you by your association with it.
When I was coming out of an especially bad spot in my early 20s, I discovered myself in an unusual, limbo state. On the whole, individuals were really kind and understanding, however there was likewise an odd expectation that I would be unfortunate all the time
And sure, there were lots of days when I invested 6 hours looking wistfully at the antidepressant prescription I had actually taped to my wall like some surreal indie band poster. Some days I desired to go out! And see my good friends! And go to costume celebrations in a self-sewn Hubble telescope outfit! Due to the fact that individuals with anxiety can still be exceptionally renowned fashionistas. We’re simply attempting to do the important things that “typical” individuals do– like capturing buses, going on dates and making badges with our expert badge-makers (simply me?)
Often keeping the expectation of what a depressed individual must resemble, or how they must act, became my most current acting workout. When individuals asked how I was, I would search for meekly, eyes loaded with tears and state, “It’s been difficult”. Do not get me incorrect, it had been hard, however needing to constantly play out the solidity was nearly more stressful than the real anxiety.
And after that eventually I understood I might simply … not. I understood that Sad Rhiannon still made jokes, and Funny Rhiannon in some cases wept. This may blow your mind, however it appeared that they were the exact same Rhiannon. And things ended up being simpler when I understood that the 2 might be buddies.
Since there are things that you do when you’re unfortunate that actually need to be made fun of. Like the time I was sobbing outside a celebration. I identified a man I fancied, didn’t desire him to see me because state, therefore took the only sane strategy and lay in a ditch. Yep. You check out that properly. A ditch. Certainly he found me. Since– and I can not worry this sufficient– I was a totally grown lady depending on a really shallow ditch. It’s great, since I completely covered it by getting out and stating to him, “We were simply seeing who might discover the finest ditch to conceal in … and I am the winner.” Do I regret this? Obviously! Is it humorous? Definitely! Amusing Rhiannon and Sad Rhiannon completely, outrageous force.
My play Supernova is what took place when I chose to unify the 2 Rhiannons, recording life’s humour in addition to its weight. Supernova is a program with a high-functioning depressive as the lead character, who enables us to laugh in even the darkest minutes. It checks out the effect anxiety can have on enjoyed ones, and the problems of keeping relationships. Above all, it’s about connection (to yourself and the universe), the capacity for healing and the possibility of making peace with the scariest corners of ourselves.
When you compose something, it seems like you’re taking a little bit of your brain out and letting other individuals look and evaluate– and hoping they will not simply be puzzled and slightly disgusted and ask you to pop it back into your skull, please
So far, the discussions in the bar later on have actually been electrical. Do you have a preferred world? Does John Hurt actually count as a Doctor? When was your last full-blown psychological breakdown? The funny seems an entrance drug into discussing the harder things. And everybody’s huffing it up (having actually never ever taken drugs, I’m uncertain on the terms, so I’m generally making use of one PSHE lesson where we viewed a video on smelling glue).
Do not get me incorrect, when you remain in the throes of a really severe psychological health episode it is not enjoyable. It is really not enjoyable. These days I believe of my anxiety like a pal’s partner at a home celebration who begins strumming on a guitar. I’ll be civil, I’ll sustain a verse or 2 of Wonderwall, despite the fact that I dislike it and I dislike them, once they’re gone, I’m gon na be taking the piss.
How is my psychological health doing now? It’s a bit like that old package of area food (in some way still not ended)– although I’ll most likely have it for life, I’m finding out to deal with it and attempting to not repent of it.
And sure, I never ever made it to area. I reckon it’s quite lonesome up there anyhow. Down here t