It’s important to note that attachment styles are not psychological diagnoses. Rather, attachment theory is more like a map that can show us our relational fears, where they came from, and what coping mechanisms we’ve developed in order to feel safer.
What are the biggest signs of an avoidant attachment style?
1. You’re not comfortable opening up, even with people you trust.
People with an avoidant attachment style are prone to “shutting down, numbing, rigid compartmentalizing, and pushing away,” Mary Chen, LFMT, a Philadelphia-based relationship and sex therapist, tells SELF. And these suppression techniques can feel “exactly like rejection” to their partners, making it hard to approach—and therefore understand—avoidants.
For instance, they might have a hard time discussing personal topics—their family, childhood experiences, even their thoughts about how the relationship is going—with a partner they trust. Or they may avoid deep conversations altogether, often saying things like, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings,” or relying on sarcastic jokes to deflect from more serious topics.
“When an avoidantly attached person experiences their human vulnerability, it can be really flat-out terrifying,” Chen explains. “Their history has convinced them that those needs won’t be met.” So it’s not that avoidants don’t care or aren’t invested—the tendency to close up is more about self-protection. If leaning on others has ever been unsafe or unpredictable, then putting your guard up becomes a much easier approach than risking vulnerability (and, potentially, getting hurt).
2. You default to hyper-independence and self-reliance above all else.
Often, those who are avoidantly attached can be seen as stoic when in reality, they have deep relational fears (usually of becoming enmeshed with their partne